True disclosure – a disclaimer about style, images and the people mentioned in my writings.
Firstly, this blog consists of my personal thoughts and ideas, many of which most people will not agree with (possibly vehemently) or have not really thought about. While I am a writer, editor, copywriter and translator during office hours and do my perfectionist’s best there, I write here in my own personal style, which sometimes rambles, is not always perfectly grammatically correct or stylistically approved of. When I write these words initially by hand in a notebook (I have stacks, that’s my process to deal with things and reflect on circumstances and myself) it is often a continuous stream, the way you can imagine my internal monologue is going through my head. I often say the same thing more than once in a different way, that’s how I work things out and understand them and I write them out like that for you because the analogy or explanation that works for one person isn’t for everyone, and everyone deserves an ‘A-ha!’ moment and I will do my best to help you see what I am trying to say. Not necessarily because I want you to agree with me, but because I want you to figure out what you think about it.
I’m a bit of an intellectual, a bit of a nerd, and I think about a lot of things. Critically. I also sometimes ramble on about things I love while trying to explain how and why, but don’t necessary deal with it on an analytical level. I recognize that we aren’t all like that and sometimes it’s good enough to enjoy a movie or book for no definable reason at all. So sometimes I just try to evoke the feeling rather than give a scholar’s analysis (though I could do that if called upon).
Finally, on the matter of images – it is not my intention to offend or contravene any copyright laws. Some of the images are from my own personal library, but most are from free wallpaper sites or stock images. And since this is for personal use, until (if ever) someone wants me to pay me to write or advertise on my website, I will maintain creative commons fair usage. Here and there I have given credit where the information was readily available and it was a unique piece created by an artist and I have the details. If you own a particular image you see here, please e-mail me and I will happily credit you or replace the image with something else if you prefer.
On the matter of people mentioned from time to time in my various ramblings, I will say this:
I try to focus in my writings here on my own personal journey. I try not to mention personal relationships and names too much, because they are real people who I still mix with and who, although at times have hurt me deeply and evoked extreme anger, sorrow or disappointment, things and people change and there exists the eternal hope and infinitesimally small chance that they could redeem themselves. Moreover, I freely admit that I don’t have a monopoly on what is right and true. Even canonised history is constructed out of opinions and viewpoints and I am a flawed human being just as are the people in my life (past, present and future), so it is not fair to them to pass my viewpoint at the time off as a valid judgment which may affect them in the future (and about which I may change my mind as well!).
Karma can be a bitch and I don’t want to invoke her wrath. So my private thoughts about the people in my life will remain just that. Private. Written down for my own self-therapy, but for my eyes only. One of the main reasons why I have all my life chosen to write my frustrations out is that it is a tool for me to think. Like do-it-yourself therapy. If I’m upset, before I make a scene or have an argument, I will usually go write about it first, come to some better understanding of my own ridiculousness or come to accept that you can’t change or blame everyone else or take everything personally, and then I feel better while foregoing the inconvenient and embarrassing public episode. This is partly why I think I am able to maintain a calm demeanor. It teaches you to think before you act or speak, helps you force yourself to reflect and the action itself is liberating. My handwriting looks schizophrenic, because it mirrors my mood… from neat and perfect handwriting, to the fast scrawl (when I’m thinking faster than I can move the pen), the anger (when I press so hard, you can see the impression 4 pages deep), the sorrow (long scrawl with lots of loops). Sometimes it will even change within a page or one sitting, as my emotions flow through my pen.*
With most of these entries first handwritten in a notebook, I have built up a vast collection of notebooks filled with my schizophrenic handwriting over the years. I don’t write every day or with any particular structure or pattern. Sometimes a week will go by without writing, other times I will write 3 days in a row or twice in one day. I write when something particular sparked my thought processes that I want to document – be it good, bad, strange, something I saw, read, heard… I think about a lot of things. Obviously, not every inmost thought or contemplation can be put out here in the online ether – I don’t care what people think, but I don’t want to alienate my loved ones and people I deal with on a regular basis either. Not because of what I write about them, but rather because of what I write about myself. Some things on this journey of personal discovery are just too harsh. I record it so that I can see how I grow and change and maybe one day, when I’ve truly accomplished something noteworthy and achieved recognition and publish an autobiography, perhaps then some more of the inner struggles can be published. For now, I’ll take you on this journey, even sometimes close to my core, but not all the way in. I cannot make myself the target everyone aims at – history is full of people who lose sight of the bigger picture and become fixated on the bad stuff to the exclusion of all else and every triumph after… I trust you understand.
*When I started doing this as a teen I used to write in pencil until a malicious drunken woman (in whose house we were staying when we were temporarily homeless) decided to erase a whole half of a ‘diary’/notebook. Those scars took years to heal and after that incident I wrote in pen.