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Losing my voice

Posted on Nov 12, 2016 by in My Story & Ideas


I have restarted this post several times. I feel like a stranger to myself, as though I can’t even recognise my own voice at the moment. They say that ‘when days are dark, friends are few’, but that has not been true for me. For each one who has helped / is helping me by letting me hear echoes of my essence, those who offer comfort and a respite from an unreal reality or make me laugh when tears have been my bread and water this past year – thank you with all you know me to be.

I didn’t even write a Birthday Message 2016! That’s how much I wanted the earth to open and swallow me up. In part I think this has been because my words became a weapon in the hands of another, twisted and abused beyond recognition. Like one learning to walk after confinement to a wheelchair, I must take step by faltering step to recover my self again. There is much work to be done, inside and outside of me.

Einstein once said: Out of clutter find simplicity; from discord harmony; in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.

Like Everest (or Meru – watch the documentary!) even many prepared and practiced climbers are beaten by the mountain the first time. You lose a leg, risk your extremities,  come back from injuries to your being (your resolve and physical being) that it seems you are drawing on near impossible depths of determination just to get up out of that sick-bed. And then to try again? Isn’t that a special kind of madness? Perhaps it was always easy to say ‘fall seven times and get up eight times’ until you have to do it. This is how I know that this has always been in my soul: crushed to ash, bruised and limping, my spirit will rise again. Not to shout her truth – with this journey comes humility – but to quietly rebuild, feather by burned feather, until the phoenix soars again, more beautiful (and hopefully wiser) than before.

To the ones whose gift to me has been darkness, thank you for that also, for there is a blessing also in that to destroy the old to make space for the new. An important lesson from Dr Strange: the ego MUST be obliterated for your power to manifest. You have been an unchosen, but necessary, instrument on that journey.

And to all who still hold me up, you are treasured more than words can ever express.