Searching my soul
This body that I find myself in yesterday commented to a great friend and someone we respect deeply that we have never cried so much in such a short time as we have this past 6-8 weeks. But after this really tough time, I was beginning to see the new realisations about love, surrender and accepting the present moment take root as we prepare for the fast: Yom Kippur – a time of forgiveness not for wilful transgressions but for our humanness, all the little spots and blemishes that are created when we react or respond in ways that are unfitting… when we misrepresent our deep down godly nature and the source of our beingness, consciousness and intelligence.
I am filled with peace now. Not because my problems disappeared or Sheldon came running back after my last post (in fact, I cried even more today because of the complete opposite). But today it seems easier to separate my ‘self’ from the circumstances of my life and to find the joy in my own being. I am not perfect, but I am trying… and I won’t give up on myself, because we are of no worth or help to anyone if we cannot first be at peace and loving towards ourselves? Not because we are blind to our faults or our failures, but because of and despite them we are able to strive for something higher, a state of being that is love in its purest form, we are able to rise above our shortcomings and move in and act out of a place of understanding and compassion and strive to be humble and gentle giants in heart and spirit, where we cause no more pain or friction, because causing hurt in the world and people around us is only a reflection of a lack of peace within ourselves.
We know that our thoughts create our world and when difficulties or painful realities arise to test us (like you would test ice before stepping out and putting your weight on it), it is the more crucial that we search our souls and ask ourselves what reality we are creating for ourselves. And so, for now, it is a time of reflection more so than action – though the results of my pondering should be accompanied by a plan: what am I going to do to develop my being, my consciousness, my mind and spirit so that when we stand here at this juncture again next year there may be fewer spots obscuring my light?
And this afternoon crying big fat Charlie Brown tears (you only notice when you wear glasses and your soul is wrenched from you like that, that we really do cry “fountains” of tears sometimes), feeling as if the gods have yet again kicked me when I’m down, my face red and splotchy as I walked to the train station, out of the recesses of memory in a moment of lucidity, swam a teaching from at least a decade ago, if not more:
The road to glory:
Discipline -> Sorrow -> Poverty -> Betrayal -> Defamation -> Rejection -> GLORY
We were taught that these are like cycles, annually, but I have been through all this in the space of less than 3 months. It’s a harsh road to walk, but every high calling comes at a price. And I have not come this far, these 15 years, suffered so much for the sake of the development of my own soul, to turn back now. Perhaps GLORY is around the corner. But perhaps this is as good as it gets… Maybe lost love will return like the prodigal son – my capacity to forgive and accept has grown exponentially with every injury of which there have been MANY this year (enough to put me off of the search for a companion for good), but maybe for someone like me, great love just isn’t on the cards. Maybe the best I can hope for is to nurture the happy few who are friends (in deed, not just in word), give as much as I can to those who have learnt to bear my intensity, beg for help every few months when my car breaks, be as happy in my job as I can be and make the most of every day. But I will continue to hope and affirm and believe that this is not all there is. Perhaps one day that will prove to be true. Until then, at least the brightness of my soul can still shine, even if the only love it gets is from myself alone.