Facing our demons…
I nearly lost you this week, my precious boy. Seeing you fight for breath* and knowing how close we came to never seeing your lively, warm brown eyes again shook me, and brought out insecurities about so many other things that I feel quite ashamed.
I am deeply thankful for that still small inner voice that told me this was not one of the (many) times I just tell you or the rest of the pack to suck it up because the problem will fix itself. One more day this time would have been one day too many. And I wonder now as I watch you lying in your favourite spot, if you weren’t trying to tell me the last few weeks, by sleeping on the bed, so uncharacteristically close, that something wasn’t right? I’m sorry that I didn’t understand. You have been my constant companion through so many life-changing (internal and external) events, you’ve helped me raise our beautiful pack and you’ve seen me at some of my lowest and highest moments these past 7 years. This was not your time and though I know we probably don’t even have another 7 years left together, I pray that we will still have at least 5 and that you will go over the rainbow bridge being, as the Biblical expression goes, “full of years”… My world will be poorer one day without your soulful eyes and your joyful heart and perfect love, but that day, thankfully, is not today.
And as I saw my reaction to this news and the uncertainty as your life hanged in the balance and how it affected me on so many levels these past 4 days, I realised that we are not such simple creatures as we sometimes think. And that however much I am shaken or fail to understand things and people in my life that I can’t control, sometimes you have to just believe… believe that we can face our demons, that when we don’t want to feel our pain and confusion every person has a different way of coping, but that, in the end, if we act and speak out of a place of compassion and make patience our guiding staff, we will find that everyone has the ability to overcome the things that haunt them, hurt them or chase them. Above all, to know that you cannot fight another person’s battle for him, just as I could only stand by and leave you in the care of the doctors and once they had done what they could, I had to trust that you would recover. We can only ever offer our love and support and then we must put our own uncertainties aside and trust the process and trust the people we love.
I will add this to the tally of valuable lessons you and the pack have helped me learn over the years and pray that the next one will be a lesson of joy rather than one watered with tears.
With love and gratitude xxx
Your human mom
*Micah developed spontaneous pneumothorax, caused by pulmonary bullae that burst, leaking air into his chest and crushing his lungs. They did an emergency procedure on Thursday evening and he returned home from the hospital on yesterday (Saturday) afternoon. For more on this condition: https://purinaproclub.com/