Make it to me
In general, I bounce back like a new squash ball – I’m a hard person to keep down, so now that we are mostly over the devastation of my last post, I started writing my “birthday message 2014″ (two and a half weeks from now – yay me!)… my thoughts took an unexpected turn listening to some new music as I wrote and so I decided that I’ll start again for my birthday message a bit closer to the time. Here’s what I wrote earlier this week:
This past year has been a rollercoaster – a renaissance, a relapse, a resignation, a rebuff. I rediscovered my capacity to love and be desired and my ability to weather rejection… so much rejection…
I set a price on my time and let many of the things I would love to pursue slide. I disappointed and delighted myself, put sunlight back in my hair, felt my smile move the world albeit in small ways. I moved away from old ways of doing things and searched for new ways to be the best person I could be and pursue a connection with the Divine and impact my world. I sometimes took a few steps backwards when my whole soul strove to move forward. I learned to forgive myself. I learned about my own weaknesses and the danger of expectations and preconceived notions.
I have been wrong so many times, but at least I’ve tried. That said, I cannot choose second-best for myself for the sake of what the world will think. This made me think about the idea of soulmates – a term some people use so loosely or who have become so jaded that they don’t believe it can exist at all. And while I’m ready to consign my heart to “available and waiting to be found” status again for now, I do believe that we all have someone out there – a soulmate in the true sense of the word – a counterpart and helper with whom you feel age-old kinship and a connection deeper than words or bodies can express, through many lives, many roads and many experiences together. And I wonder that sometimes we miss them or they / we are taken from each other early in life or we meet each other before we’re ready and we screw up our own chances at happiness through immaturity or circumstance. But I have to believe that that too is part of the plan.
So a soulmate for me is not a missing puzzle piece, not a half without which we wander around incomplete and lost. We have to know who we are and accept all parts of ourselves as a whole before we can be ready, we must be free from pretense. Before you can be truly happy with someone else, you must be happy alone. It seems such a trite thing to say, but I feel that it’s true. So no matter how many times I’ve been wrong, I believe you’re out there. I’m just waiting for you to make it to me. Love this song by Sam Smith – Make it to me. Says it all.
Listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qd15ZrJkFJY