Learning to forgive myself
The aftermath – 1 to 4 July 2014
Forgive the rambling. This was written over a period of days as I worked through fierce pain and disappointment.
Despite my resolve, here I am again. Crushed. What was and should have been a cathartic experience turned into insurmountable defeat. I know that I should use this as a springboard to transformation, but how, when all it makes me feel now is shame and loathing?
How did God make us so powerful that our words can crush the soul and make another’s world come crashing down? How did he put someone who uses words to build and repair, who wants to heal with love, to stand in the trenches and be shot to pieces? Or is it simply my fault for being too naive to believe that what people say is empty, that they are all just really afraid? Do I stand up then and be stronger and braver still, when my heart is shattered and it feels like my legs can’t carry me anymore? How do I keep the fire burning when all around the world grows cold and unfeeling? Why are there only questions and no answers?
Man-kind… you are a disappointment. Beauty reaches out to you every day and you are small and alone and afraid, and content to be small and lonely and more afraid still, hiding behind your bravado and words.
You’ve had too many of my tears already. You are not worthy of them and I am worth so much more. If you cannot see that or you are too afraid of the light to embrace it, I cannot help you more than I already do by being who I am. You may rip off my wings, but you will not drag me down into your darkness. They will grow again.
I’ve made a terrible mistake, but I must find it in my heart to forgive myself. I don’t carry a grudge or stay angry with other people. I am quick to apologise if I feel remotely misunderstood or in the wrong. But while I accept others’ failings (even though I don’t like them), it is so much harder to be kind to myself when I fail myself so grossly. Perhaps this is the lesson I am supposed to take from this – to learn to forgive myself and move on before the pit of despair swallows me up. Today it still seems impossible, but perhaps tomorrow will be easier.
I fell for your charms and adoration again, harder than ever before. And in the devastation you left behind, it’s not you I am angry with, only myself, for being carried away. And through the self-accusation I have struggled with here in the aftermath, I will take a lesson from this, but I will not sacrifice the good in me or put up a wall to save me from all future pain. And I understand now how out of my greatest pain and sparked by fervour and enthusiasm at various times during these last few months, I could write my vows even as my heart was crushed again and again, because the one to whom I will one day say them will be the one who will cover the scars on my soul with love, wipe the tears away and cause no more hurt. And maybe I will only find him the day I stop looking…
Yes, I did something stupid and unworthy, and I felt shamed down to the roots of my very soul. And I have asked myself more times than I can count whether I am the author of my own pain. And yes, it’s true, I do look for and see the best in people – always, without exception. I do love too easily and I do form an attachment quicker than you can say “what happened?”, but that is who I am and no matter how you hurt me or seek to trample my spirit and my heart with your callousness and empty fear… if we cannot love with the abandon of a child even when there is nothing to gain or everything to lose… if we cannot see beyond the ego to the goodness of the souls we interact with… if we cannot give of ourselves expecting nothing in return… then, and only then, is everything truly lost. As long as there is one who can start the spark in others, there is hope. I know I’m not the only one, but I must be true to myself no matter the cost, and I will sacrifice myself on that altar of perfect love in the hope that maybe one day I’ll be worthy to have my soul return to the well-spring of eternal bliss, and then you will hear my voice still softly calling to you as you live out your karmic journey, until one day you can become part of oneness too.