I have been working on not ‘wanting’ so much, to forget about stuff… and, of course, then you really get tested to your limits… being without my car for 17 of the last 21 days… It’s been a trying few weeks, I’ve had my quota of car trouble for the rest of my life, breaking down and having to rely on people to help me (when I am ordinarily a self-reliant type of person), and for favours (even getting dog food is a mission without a car), new job, walking myself silly, trying to take on extra work but not sure if there are enough hours in a day. And then there are the great mercies in life, like my friend Charl who spoils me and helps me for no reason I can fathom, a great platonic friendship that defies explanation…
Now and then a great loneliness takes hold of me, especially when I hear an amazing love song, like John Legend’s All of Me (follow the link to listen to it), but usually I just push it to the back of my mind. I am extremely blessed and mostly I feel that life is just less complicated being unencumbered and accountable for no-one else’s happiness. And then, yesterday, catching up on The Big Bang Theory, a show that I love and usually has me laughing out loud, watching the couples interacting with each other just made me impossibly sad and thoughtful. And then, the worst thing possible in that state of mind: an episode where Howard writes and performs a song for his wife to celebrate the anniversary of their first date. Have a listen:
And first I wanted to weep, but later, pondering my seeming inability to attract love and devotion (except from my dogs), the greatness of my friendship with Charl (but also it’s shortcomings), I realised that it’s time to open myself up to love again… I deserve it. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t have a beautiful and kindhearted man, someone strong of character and soul, who will treat me with kindness, respect and admiration – someone who will desire and love the whole of me… a man whose touch will burn like fire and whose body is an expression of love, not a weapon… Best friend and lover. I know you are out there, I’ve just been waiting for you to come find me and I feel like I’m finally ready now.