Let heaven be in my eyes
I haven’t shared the meditations I’ve been doing with a lot of people, but my great friend Charl has an open and enquiring mind and we often explore such curious things together (whether he uses it to the extent that I do or not is his own business). So he’s been trying and he said to me over dinner the other day that he struggles to switch his mind off and then starts wondering if he’s doing the meditation right, which of course is not a thing to think at all. If you’re doing it, you’re doing it right… right for you. So the other day I wrote him the following e-mail (in the middle of a work day, so forgive the very conversational style):
8:30, 17 July 2013
“I was thinking about what you said yesterday about not knowing if you’re doing it right… and I always express myself better when I write, so here’s another (not so long) mail trying to explain what the meditations do for me and why I think you should keep at it (wanting personal growth and getting out of your funk as you said).
I think it’s true what they say in the document about the Gateway Experience – you will get out of it how much you put in. The INTENTION is also very important, which is why the 2nd one teaches you that thing you say in your head (or out loud I guess) about your intention/desire to learn and benefit to the max from the meditation experience.
That said, I think that like any muscle or skill, you become better at it the more you practice. I have tried other meditation techniques over the years and so I think it is easier for me to quiet my mind now than for most people who are just starting out on a journey like that. But if you persevere, you will train your mind to shut up and let your subconscious work (even if the first few times feel like a waste of time, just keep doing it). Remember what Dr Kromhout taught us, that your subconscious is the key to everything? This is an easier way to get it working that writing down dreams and sitting trying to meditate out of thin air (which is why it feels a bit like it’s too easy, but as you said yesterday, persisting and making time is the key). Your experience and how you visualize (or not) the process is unique to each person and it will be right for the path you’re on. I don’t do half the stuff they describe or suggest in the document – that’s not my process, but we each have to find our own process.
I have done the 3rd one almost every day for weeks and weeks now and it is still awesome for me and a wonderful way to start my day. But you can do it in the evening. And do it until you feel it’s done something for you before you move on to the next one, even if it takes weeks (like it did before I tried the 4th one). If you read the descriptions, some of them are for a specific purpose others are general or training you up for the next step. I am excited about trying the 6th one for the first time this weekend, because from the document it seems quite an intense thing – what I’ve been working and building up to laying the foundation. I guess you don’t have to do it every day, but for the kind of change and growth I was after, continue to be after and truly needed when I started this, it was the best for me. And I discipline myself to do it because if feeling how I feel now is just the beginning, then wow… this is one of the most worthwhile things I’ve ever done for myself and I want so much more for the sake of my soul and my eternal peace and joy, that thing I’ve thirsted for my entire thinking life. That’s not everyone’s journey, but it should be.
You remember the teaching about power and the scale of consciousness from Dr Kromhout… well, the book Power vs Force by David Hawkins that I read months ago was also very helpful to understand what this is achieving for me personally and in the bigger picture and also to understand why this type of journey is our ultimate goal, so that we can achieve perfection. And yes, it’s loony, but I don’t want to go through another 1000 lives to learn lessons I can get out of the way now. I want to be the light. I want to change the world. I want to change my world. And even for those who don’t want that, the feeling of pure peace, not worrying about big things, never mind small things, that feeling that I can do anything no matter what circumstances I face (rather than just telling myself that the way I used to), is such a treasure. People become so caught up in their little world and other people who won’t be there to justify or defend their actions when their time is up in this life. There is so much more we can have and achieve than to be running like a mouse in a wheel every day caught up in the circles of our own petty existence. For me it feels like I’ve woken up from a long dream to find that all that I thought would make me happy was an illusion. I thought that I already ‘knew’ that, but you can only see how blind you were when the veil is finally lifted! And the meditations and whatever they make my subconscious do and how they open the bands of communication between my subconscious and my brain has been invaluable to help me think about the things I think about, which are many. And I write about what I’m thinking, see how those things change and then I feel like I can acknowledge the growth. But I am sure it would happen regardless of whether I write about it, it just makes the experience of the change more real for me, more tangible.
On 27 June I posted the following on Facebook:
My external circumstances haven’t changed, but my internal landscape has undergone a 180 degree change over the last 3 weeks. I feel so optimistic, deeply thankful and free that I don’t even want to eat or sleep. But I’m not tired or wrung out either. I feel a boundless energy carrying me forward into whatever lies ahead and I am just overwhelmed by a sense that all is truly well, not because I keep telling myself that with dogged determination, but because deep down in my heart and subconscious, the belief has finally taken root.
Except for the wobble on Sunday after our tiff, this is how I’ve felt every day for weeks now and so much more I don’t even have all the words for. I feel truly like my heart wants to burst with joy even just doing something simple like writing this e-mail now. It makes it easier to come to work. I have little sleep or pain issues anymore. I don’t worry about a thing, and that’s not to say that I don’t still wonder how we’ll make it through the next few months and pay everything I need to pay, but I feel so much more equipped to deal with my circumstances. I don’t want to run away anymore from my life, I’m not upset anymore that I don’t have nice things or can’t even at the moment afford expensive skin products that used to be the one little luxury I saved for myself no matter what. I love my car with all its little problems. And I am prepared to face whatever comes and I feel like I don’t need anyone or anything specific to get there (although certainly it may be nice to have someone, but I trust the wisdom of the universe to let it happen when the time is right). I feel in harmony with everything and that makes me so peaceful and joyful at the same time it’s impossible to describe. And it’s not a fluke, one day up, one day down. I’ve been feeling like this for weeks and weeks. And it makes me feel more like myself than I ever have in my whole life. I always longed for my days as a student when I felt like a queen of the world, in love with everything, with being alive, independent and hungry for whatever each day brought. This is a hundred times better.
I don’t know if this attempt at an explanation is meaningful, but it’s the closest I can get trying off the top of my head. When I rework some of the stuff I wrote for my blog I think I might get closer to explaining it. I hope so.”
* I think I should point out here (31 July) that I did an experiment this week and have now for 3 days not done the meditation. I think it is safe to say the change is permanent. I feel no less awesome. It is a wonderful day to be alive! But I will continue to grow and develop this and learn more as I go and more deeply explore my own subconscious mind and increase the connection between my soul and my mind to make that bond and harmonious functioning more perfect! It is liberating to get to this point, to realize that I overcame and it was hard work, but it’s done and it has SO paid off. I can mindpower a headache away now in 10 minutes while playing squash. I don’t give up. I am deeply thankful and I see the miracles all around me and so more and more of them are flowing towards me. It is a feeling both of being tremendously humbled but also almost invincible, untouchable… I am truly astonished. I’m not going to stop though, because there is so much depth and wonder still to be had out of this meditation and when (after a few days of not doing it) I did it again today, I felt even MORE awesome. Unbelievably so! There’s no stopping me now :-)